My Ego Death Experience
This is a pretty punchy title and I hope it hasn’t scared you off already.
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The truth is - and prepare for many hard truths in this post - I’ve been in a dark place. I haven’t felt motivated to write, to socialise, sometimes to even get out of bed, and most certainly to share this experience online.
But, at some point I realised life goes on, the show must go on, and it’s time to move forward. And so, here we go. I’m going to share with you my experience of what has been coined an ‘ego death’, which is how I’m viewing these past few weeks.
This may all sound a little heavy and dark - which it is - however, there is a silver lining so please read on. It’s important I mention here that the following is all my personal experience and my personal opinion.
It’s a funny one, how sometimes what we least want to do is the very thing that will help us. In our darkest moments we often feel a deep instinct to hide away and hibernate, to hide and bury our problems away until they magically disappear, but often sharing these moments with others is where the magic lies - not only can it help others if they’re experiencing similar, but it can help ourselves out of that deep hole too.
I’ve found since I’ve been speaking openly about this phase to those close to me, it has brought me so much light.
My problem is that I’m often not actually consciously hiding the darkness and locking it inside, it’s that it takes me a while myself to recognise I’m feeling completely out of sorts. Anyone else resonate with that? We become absolute pro’s at masking our problems and issues to the point we hide them from ourselves too. Unfortunately, it required me hitting rock bottom to finally realise I’d been free-falling for a while.
So, what triggered all of this? Honestly, I think my month in India. Or more appropriately, returning from India.
While in Goa, I felt alive, I felt at home, I felt connected to myself, nature, and others, and I felt a lightness that I hadn’t felt for a while (truthfully, since Bali).
There’s something about finding peace and then leaving it behind to come back to ‘reality’ that hits hard. There was a blindingly obvious contrast to the feeling of bliss in India and expanding my capacity for love, peace, and happiness, to returning and waking up to what I had been tolerating in my life.
In India, my meditation deepened to levels I had never experienced before, my yoga practice (in every sense of the word) progressed at speed, and I felt I had opened myself up in ways I hadn’t known possible. An intensive month of yoga and meditation in India will do that to you alright! And so, I returned, and swung straight back into my old norm, without any time to integrate the learnings, and therefore losing my new practices that had developed so well.
Well, the universe was not happy about that at all! I’ve been floored. My energy and the energy around me has felt heavy. My body has felt fatigued. I lost sight of my purpose. I have been asking myself, “why am I here?”, “what’s the point?”, and “nothing makes sense anymore”. I’m only just at the tail end of it now, so I am not here with a happy ending yet, but I can see the light. And, I have gained a new perspective on this darkness - an ego death.
“When the ego dies, the soul awakens.” - Mahatma Gandhi
I spoke with a dear friend and mentor, Claire McGrath, who has been at the end of the phone whenever I’ve needed some guidance. It’s interesting how comforting it is hearing that what I’m experiencing as an individual is actually in the collective field - a sense of relief that it’s not just me, but then a curiosity kicks in as to why so many people are experiencing this heaviness during this time. Maybe this is news for you too, and it’s resonating deeply. If that’s the case, please know you are not alone. Things are changing rapidly, and if you have opened yourself up energetically, it’s natural for you to be experiencing this shift. It’s a lot, it’s heavy, it’s draining. But - and this is a big, fat, necessary ‘but’ - it’s happening for the better in the long run. Ah, the silver lining. Consciousness is upgrading, energy is shifting. Everything you need to know is already within you - and this is a case of remembrance. I am sure we can all agree that things need to change and drastically improve from here.
An ego death is part of the spiritual awakening process. I’ve experienced mini ego deaths since my spiritual awakening started, but they pale in comparison to my current experience. I see them as the necessary parts of ourselves (or more specifically, our programmed selves) that need to die. The aspects of our character, personality, energy, belief systems that are not serving us in progressing forward as our higher selves. A spiritual awakening sets us free from the programming of ‘the matrix’ and hands back the power - an inner power, inner knowing, inner belief. And so, in order to upgrade in this sense, the parts holding us back need to be let go of. The ego must die to feel the connected Oneness.
An ego death is the loss of self-identity. Who we think we are is often based on external factors, and conscious/unconscious learned programming. The ego creates separation and divides us, whereas our souls yearn to be connected and unified. If we let go of the idea we have of ourselves, and get straight to the core of who we are, what is left? This requires letting go of the ‘self’, and connecting into the heart centre; a higher consciousness and a state of oneness. The feeling is of pure bliss, of not being alone or separate from anyone or anything. However, the process to get there can be hugely disorientating, confusing, and scary. It questions our very existence and all we thought we knew. That’s a tough pill to swallow.
“The ego, however, is not who you really are. The ego is your self-image; it is your social mask; it is the role you are playing. Your social mask thrives on approval. It wants control, and it is sustained by power, because it lives in fear.” - Deepak Chopra
An ego death is letting go of the ‘I’ and ‘me’ and welcome in ‘us’. A significant part of my learnings in India, was taking off the blindfold of individualism - the illusion of separation - and opening my eyes to the feeling of oneness and collective unity. And so it would make sense that within a few weeks of leaving, I would embark upon the uncomfortable death of ego. It’s one thing learning it, but another thing integrating it!
“Most of us are convinced that we are our egos, which is who we think we are. The ego is part of our incarnation. It dies with the body, which is why we are so afraid of death. Death scares the hell out of who you think you are, especially if you think you are this body.” - Ram Dass
I visualise the ego death experience as trying to spread my wings and fly, but there is a chain attached to my feet holding me down to the ground, weighing me down.
I don’t like the weight - it feels restrictive - but at the same time it’s all I’ve ever known, and the idea of cutting myself free and soaring into the unknown is terrifying. It’s at this point of an awakening that you have the choice to cut that chain. But it’s painful, it’s scary, it’s uncomfortable, but essentially it could be the most liberating and powerful thing you do in your life. Imagine you’re still connected to this chain holding you back, and you see around you hundreds of thousands of other souls also held back by chains, but they’re all keeping their eyes at ground level and telling you not to question it, that it’s ‘normal’. However, for wherever the journey you’re on has led you, you choose to look up. You see other souls gliding and soaring through the sky, free and happy, having cut their chains.
During a meditation exercise with Claire recently, I saw a bright, golden light shining from behind me, with pure darkness in front of me. I was still facing the past - still facing the path that should be behind me. The light - the divine path - is ready and waiting for me, but I just need to turn around, and turn my back on the darkness. And so, here I am. Turning around. Cutting the chain. Spreading my wings. It’s deeply vulnerable, turning into the unknown.
“Ego is a social institution with no physical reality. The ego is simply your symbol of yourself. Just as the word “water” is a noise that symbolises a certain liquid without being it, so too the idea of ego symbolises the role you play, who you are, but it is not the same as your living organism.” - Alan Watts
It hasn’t been easy, but has also been one of the most liberating experiences of my life. I feel like I had a taste of this ‘Oneness’ and unity of consciousness in India, and thus experienced a rude awakening when attempting to slot back in to my old way of life. Well, it’s time to shift and adapt, and most importantly integrate those learnings. I would love to share these with you, and eventually hold space for the curious souls who are seeking these expanded states of love, peace, and happiness too. It’s all available to you, it’s all within you.
And so, I welcome you to join me.
To turn around and face the bright, golden light or your divine path.
I encourage you to read the above again, and pause as feels right, to allow yourself the space to feel into how these words may resonate with you.
Sending my love, support, and respect to you.
Affirmation
“I am not the programming and conditioning that has been learned, I am a soul following my divine path”.
“I am One with all. We are all connected.”
“I choose love. I choose the light.”
Stone
Clear Quartz - this stone helps balance the chakras, particularly the crown chakra, by connecting us to our highest self and cleansing energy.
Oracle Card
Here is a card I have pulled for you from my personal deck:
Show the World the Real You
“It’s important for you to allow life to unfold and progress, even if change seems like a frightening prospect. Go ahead and be yourself in whatever is coming up for you. Whatever happens next could be highly unconventional or unexpected.”
With love
Niomi
Thank you so much for sharing this. I understand the way you feel and there is a light in front of you. You will get there. Sending love ❤️